|
[06 Dec 2005|10:01pm] |
|
Its amazing when I sit back and look at the world differently then I did the day before. This game called life is just a big long waste of time sometimes it seems. Its just choices made and choices not made. I feel that things happen for a reason. I get my pride striped with meere words. my brain faced to much in one day... may sleep slow my racing mind for another 8 hours. I shall get up tomorrow and hopefully never look back twice.
|
|
|
[11 Nov 2005|01:00am] |
|
Tonight, my heart feels like its broken... Where da homies be at i ask myself over and over?
read 50 pages of a book while the world got drunk
|
|
|
[03 Nov 2005|11:31pm] |
|
I feel like shit.. i hope this will all just blow over soon.
Road trippin with my favorite two allies...
|
|
|
[27 Oct 2005|11:10pm] |
|
I am wondering why im thinking about you all the time...
|
|
|
[25 Oct 2005|09:10pm] |
What if i update once a week..
Recent events have been all good, just molding a world for myself out of a little piece of clay. I wish i was munchin'
|
|
|
[22 Sep 2005|10:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Mellow Mood |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Weezer |
] |
I'll bring home the turkey, if ya bring home the _ _ _ _ _...
|
|
|
[23 Aug 2005|01:53am] |
Get it?
|
|
|
[09 Jul 2005|03:01am] |
I wonder what Becky Nishimoto is doing...
-Fox
|
|
|
[07 Jul 2005|01:40pm] |
|
I've realized that when I feel terrible, when I feel there is nothing that could be done to help, when all is lost except my eyes won't close... when your in a hole, Pink Floyd will dig me out. Keep Truckin' to those still with me cause i feel a great future. We wil all be famous someday so don't worry about life yet, cause there is nothing to worry about. Just cry when you need to cry and laugh all day. One day we will all be legends...
|
|
|
[05 Jul 2005|03:03am] |
|
In my life, i have lived many days where i don't know what went wrong.. but today i think i saw everything i needed to see. Its 3 o'clock in the morning on July 5, My dad knows where i have been, my guilty concience is in a frenzy... and yet i don't think i could feel more relaxed.
|
|
|
[14 Jun 2005|10:46pm] |
|
Holy shit.. were all about to be seniors.
|
|
|
[01 Jun 2005|11:37pm] |
|
OH DEAR LORD... Hunny have your read this... Apparently the police have been beating up negros like hotcakes.
|
|
|
[23 May 2005|10:40pm] |
|
FootballGuysrHott2
|
|
|
[22 May 2005|10:56pm] |
|
11 stitches... Got chased by an aggravated truck driver for cutting him off only because he wouldn't let me over, and their just ain't alot of room between Fairmont and Mohler, we all know that. but my brothers got their blood pumping and they can't stop talking about it. but as for my Face you can all see my injury at school. I'm to cool for my own shoes.
|
|
|
[19 May 2005|11:13pm] |
[Day One]
I am facing the biggest delima of my life. On one hand, my dad searched my room and found 2 empty packs of cigerettes(one was mine, one is a friends left at in my room.) He also found my zippo and a roor down stem. This is all very bad for me i guess. I sit here in my room and wonder why he does what he does and says what he says. I keep looking at my situation that according to him (my father) im a total and utter failure. What really is making me feel terrible is this.. These last few years of my life have been nothing but a mix of hatred of my dad intense love for my family, and an entire roller coaster full of ups and downs. Through all of this I have done alot of soul searching and I have realized what I've wanted out of a father all along. I just wanted a man to 1)love me(he is a very loveing father.) 2) I have always wanted someone i could be 100% honest with. (this my friends has turned out to be an impossiblilty. The flaw is this, my dad is as intolerant of forgein opinion. IF he doesn't think its right it must not be. 3)Also, I have realized why what I wish my life could be isn't. Apparently marijuana is an apocolyptic force that is ending my life faster then i know it according to my dad. He is such a narc when it comes down to it. He thinks some mary jane is going to kill me or something. He comes in my room, WHILE IM ASLEEP IN MY BED... and searched all through my things. He says to my brothers that, "He was looking for a shirt." Whatever though right. IM suposed to just take it from him like im suposed to. When I look back at my life and the pain i have endrured as a direct cause of his actions i cringe. I cryed for the first time in ages tonight. I just could believe my ears. My dad is so bad at being a father its just occured to me. I have been told by everyone that being the 1st born is the hardest, and in my experience that is pretty true. I get the ass end of ever discussion with my dad and his whore of a girlfriend. I'm sick of being forced into liveing in constant fear and silence. People shouldn't have to seek acceptence like this. The worst part is that due to my marijuana use, my word is tainted in my dads eyes. He thinks my goals and intentions in life cannot in any way be good as long as marijuana is also in the mix. Well this is bullshit. I really have realized that my dad isn't right. Its been one of the hardest concepts to grasp in my life. I have also realized that i must not fear being cut off from him. Cause i will not change for him again. I don't want to, i don't feel i need to and as another human being i think its now his place to accept who i am at this point in my life. He is just to emotional it seems. He definitly is one of the few people that can get me so mad i want to literally kill myself. The pressure my dad has forced on me and the lies he forces me to have to come up with is bull shit when all i really want is to just be honest with him. He really thinks hes the one with the emotional pressure on his back, he thinks i need him, well i don't. and if this seriously will kick me out of his house just cause of a difference over opinion, whether weed(marijuana) should be tolerated or not is simply rediculous. Such a topic is nothing more then a difference in opinion. I understand, without any neg. feelings that grades are important. I refuse to be mad at my dad for grounding me for my bad grades. That is a completly legitamite reason to be mad at me and frankly im pretty mad at myself for the lack of effort that i have demonstrated. The idea that makes my stomach turn is that my dad really has no idea of this side of me. If i could simply make him understand one thing about me is that im not a bad person. Morally my record is 1000 times better then his. Now im not one to compare but if hes going to yell his problems he has with me to the world i wonder if i should yell what i know about him. NO. i refuse to do such things. But i just wish he had the ability to do the same. He has a grip on my heart that still is tearing me appart. The fact that i have to explain every little thing to him is makeing me cry as i type these words on this keyboard...
[Day Two]
Today, I destroyed my brothers emotionally. They were the ones who told me of my dads search. Turns out he put everything he found out on my counter but that was after the story was told to me. They said he just is telling them not to look up to me, and im a terrible role model. He says im a bad person and none of my actions should be immatated. He is saying that im a waste of life. A waste of his time and money. Well, in my opinion, IF he doesn't like me its his own fault. He fucked my mom and he brought me into this world. It was his decision to sign up for me for the next 18 years of his life. Its not my fault im alive. Its not my fault my parents got divorced and its not my fault my mom jumped off her office building. But the problem isn't with me. All my major problems and saddness has been a direct cause from my dads action. I finally told my brothers of a dark dark secret that i didn't want to tell. But i only discussed it with them to keep my integrity in tact. My dad holds him self on a pedistal. He doesn't belong there. His morals are more twisted then mine will ever be. He is drunk with his power over me and my brothers. He forgets hes just as human as i do. I am starting to cry again. so i guess ill just let it all out. My father, cheated on my mother. Whether it was my dads idea to keep it secret or my moms,it is our right as sons and family members to know. They fucked with our emotions. My mom told me along time ago the truth about his actions. But brian and kevin were left in the dust. I will never forgive my mom for not telling them, nor my dad. He thinks im a terrible son for smoking weed. Simple as that. Am I? do i have it all wrong with my "17 year old judgment." Well, it was his 49 year old judgment fuckin some bitch Colton. Turns out 2 years later i would move her out of her appartment move her in my home and also was givin her bed to sleep on cause i new one was out of the question back in the day i guess. (i can't believe im pouring my mind onto a livejournal) My moral integrity is in much better shape then my dads but i think hes forgetting the past. We can't afford to forget it though. MY life has been affected to greatly by him not "being able to keep his dick in his pants", Something he tells me to do quite often. Well maybe he can read this. Maybe even his hypocracy will be reviled to him. Maybe he can realize that an occasional cigerette, beer, joint is just an occasional part of high school life. Same now as its always been. If he can't see that then hes just crazy. I really don't think im wrong. If i am please tell me. but i just can't justify getting as mad as he does just for some marijuana. But im not sure about anything any more. Maybe im in for a big suprise and im the only one in the entire world that lives like i do. But as Obi-One siad, Only a sith speaks in absolutes. That doesn't sound right. If my dad could just open his mind into a state of understanding, and acceptece, he wouldn't have to be mad anymore. He could live with low blood pressure, he could relax with his kids. None of us can just have a good time with him. ITs so hard for brian kevin and i to open up to him, for the reason that he won't open up to us. Its ironic that my dad always is saying " Matt my dad once said something really wise, Friendship isn't worth anything if your the one doing all the giving." He is the one sucking the life out of me. And to conclude: if hes going to search my room because i was sleeping all weekend and only people on drugs sleep alot. Don't tell my brothers lies. When we are all older they will love me whether we are all at good terms with you dad, is up in the air. I love you with all my heart. NOthing can change that but you can't just break me down like you do. It hurts me, your always saying you don't know your own power.. well, you don't know your own power. You broke my heart dad, and you have repeated the past over and over. Kick me out... Its not going to help our pain.
Maybe I'm the crazy one.
Maybe I'm just blind.
17 year old judgment right...
-RaulDuke
He puts hes heart in a plastic box,
and leaves it in a drawer in his closet.
He says what comes to mind,
his words penetrate my heart and spine.
They make me cringe when i play them
over and over in my head.
Frustration takes over me very quickly,
but through all of this,
I can't help but think...
Keep your mouth shut and your mind off reality...
Its just going to pass me by.
Well, life just knocked on my door tonight.
Life wants back in.
This is the strangest life I have ever known.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
rauldukeii's journal